Yes, I asked if you want to hear a surprising fob story that you’ll love. No, that’s not a typo. This is not a sob story (well, it kind of is, but it’s got a mostly happy, if expensive, ending). Even better, it’s got actual advice for you! What more could you ask for?
One day, I noticed that my car’s key fob was damaged. The damaged part was, of course, the part that I actually — USE – not the side, or the top, or the bottom. No, the rubber (plastic? some nonmetal, damageable substance) lock and unlock buttons were torn.
Naturally, I ignored this until it became an actual problem. And I knew it was going to become an actual problem, because when the protective coating over some complicated electrical thingies breaks, well, that’s clearly a problem. Lalalalala…
And Then What Happened to the Fob???
You can guess what happened next, right? Of course you can! Those complicated electronic thingies broke, which meant I was unable to lock or unlock my car (well, I could use the key, but that meant no alarm system, no easy unlocking of the passenger door…I know, children in developing countries are starving. I’m sorry they’re starving, but I want my working fob, dammit!). I mean, I earned that fob; this is the first car I’ve ever owned that had one, and I refused to give up my bougie vehicle accessory.
“Look at me!” the fob screamed. “I’ve got a car built in this century.”
I’d heard horror stories about the cost of replacing these stupid things (see how quickly love affairs end?). In preparation, I cashed out my 401(k). [Pro tip: if you’re an adult, and you don’t have a 401(k) or other retirement account, then you’re not an adult. Trust me on this. Throw some amount of money, no matter how tiny, into that sucker from the day you start working. You will not miss that money now, but you’ll miss the hell out of it later when you aren’t ready for retirement which, no matter how old you are, will be here in, like, two weeks. You can learn more about saving for retirement in this fun article from HuffPost, “11 Numbers That Will Terrify You Into Saving For Retirement Right This Minute.” You’re welcome.]
Anyway, since HuffPost didn’t exist when I was younger, I didn’t follow their advice. And my money allergy didn’t help. So, resigned to the fact that I’d no longer be able to enjoy my long-dreamed-of two-week retirement, I headed to the car dealer with my disloyal, broken fob.
“Yep, It’s Your Nails!”
I’m sorry, what??? I showed the service advisor my key fob, and that was his response. It’s important to understand something here – I have ONE feminine skill, and that’s the ability to grow and polish my own nails. Makeup? I look like a clown. Blow dry? Hahahaha! But my nails – my nails! – they are the only thing I do well. As it turns out, what long nails also do well is destroy key fobs. Because, of course. And oh, by the way, since I’m always up for more Adventures in Bitterness, I examined my husband’s key fob, which my keen eye immediately recognized as being made of metal. Yes, metal, like all of them should be.
“So what do I do?” I asked him. “Learn how to push the buttons with the pads of your fingers,” he advised, after also advising me that my retirement fund wasn’t enough for the replacement fob. OK not really, but it was close. And btw, my nails are not talon-length. They’re about the length of the nails in the photo above (disclaimer: those are not my hands, and those are not my nails – my body parts aren’t that photo-worthy). What I felt like saying to him was “Learn how to make key fobs for cars that women drive. Like, you know, all cars.” Clearly, this fob had never been stress-tested by women.
So here I am, learning how to use a fob in a way that will make it last longer. If I’m lucky, it will last me until that glorious retirement.⧉
Got a fun fob story? Leave me a comment!