Welcome to this week’s edition of Monday Malice. Do I even have to tell you the 3 things I hate about voicemail? Surely you feel the same way. Pro tip: Never, unless you are involved in utterly dire circumstances, leave a voicemail.
First, let’s get the “dire circumstances” out of the way. That shouldn’t even be plural – there is one circumstance that justifies leaving me a voicemail: your kidnappers insist on it.
Voicemail hatred isn’t even a brand-new phenomenon: back in 2014, NPR implored us to Please Do Not Leave A Message: Why Millennials Hate Voice Mail. And no, I’m not a Millennial, but I get it.
3 Things I Hate About Voicemail
Thing 1: 99.9% of voicemails consist of four words: “Call me back, please.” Wow! Thanks for that critical information that needed to be recorded. I now know EXACTLY why you’re calling me, and what important thing has transpired.
Thing 2: Retrieving your message requires me to enter my password. This is never a good thing.
Thing 3: There’s an excellent chance that I won’t have time to listen to your voicemail until, say, 1:00 am. At that point, I probably can’t call you back, so you’ve forced me to add something else to tomorrow’s already dreadful to-do list. Thanks so much. Also, I think I’ve already made it clear that I’m not a fan of talking on the phone in any event.
Really, it’s not 1996 anymore
At this point (sadly), we’re all so overwhelmed with input that even a text might be too much – because, you know, I’m faced with two options, neither of which is ideal:
Option 1: Read the text now. And it probably says (see above) “Call me back pls.” The advantage to this option is that I don’t have to face the accusatory “unread message” indicator on my phone.
Option 2: Leave the text unread as a reminder that I have some action to take, like calling you back. But that means I have to live with the stress of that hideous “unread message” indicator. In case you hadn’t noticed, even our phones are judging us, and they’re not impressed.
If you feel compelled to text me, I’ll probably survive. Barely. But if you don’t text me, then the burden is on me to remember to call you back and that’s just too hard and – why do I have to talk to anyone, ever?
Actually, I’ll take off the curmudgeon hat for just a moment. There is one voicemail message I adore – the occasional “Happy Birthday” message from one of my children. So if I’m not your mother, or if I am your mother and it’s not my birthday, you’re not excused.
Do you hate voicemail too? Or do you actually enjoy getting voicemails? Let me know in the comments! Just don’t call and leave me a voicemail about it.⧉